Saturday, June 27, 2009

One more down

Yesterday was pretty much the worst possible combination of events. Lack of sleep, getting bitched at by mom and my brother, hot and muggy, lots of chores to do. I was feeling pretty low. I'm still trying to find an option to get out of here.

Today I called my grandma and asked if I could come stay with her for awhile. She said she'd have to think about it but then called me back and said that she talked about it with Grandpa and my uncle and didn't think it was a good idea. That really sucks, I'll be stuck here awhile until I can get a car find somewhere else and leave. Or move somewhere that has decent public transit.

How to find that place? I don't really care where I live, except I don't want to go back to Georgia and I really like the fall season so I would be sad to live somewhere that didn't have one. Those are just nice options but anywhere but here is good enough for now. So how else to narrow down the search? Before I hand off my resume to the job finders I'll need to have some locations in mind. Hopefully ones I could get to for job interviews before I commit to moving.

Mom and my brother will be gone most of today at a friend's bbq. It's been absolutely wonderful here today. Not too hot, slightly rainy, quiet and less stressful. I got a lot of the cleaning I wanted to do done. Spent a good amount of time brushing Woofie, got a full bag of hair off him. So there should be less hair to spread around the house and he'll be more comfortable in the heat. I've also done my laundry, and plan to build the pantry cabinet mom ordered.

I called my other brother to get some advice but he was stepping out to take my niece to a skating party and said he'd be home in a few hours. I'm hoping that when he and his family get stationed somewhere else in September that if it's in the US and not overseas then I could find a place near them so I'm not totally alone. Before then I'd have to find and job and save up for a car because the areas around bases aren't usually good for transit. That all depends on where I can find a job though. It all feels so circular..

Friday, June 26, 2009

Temporary Insanity

Yesterday was a pretty rough day, not only didn't I get any sleep until a nap mid-afternoon, but it was extremely hot and muggy all day. There's no AC in the house and my room is so tiny that it seems to suck in all the heat in the house.

The electrician who has been working on the house for the last few months was over with 2 other guys working on my mom's room. They torn down one wall and rewired everything. The first thing he said to me was that he thought I was only staying here temporarily. I said me too. Then later we had a discussion about work opportunities in the area, aka lack of except for construction and repairs. The electrician also got freaked out when he found a big snake hiding under his truck. He and the other guys couldn't even tell what kind it was, just that it was big. So wrong. :/

The finished up their work around 2pm and I took a nap for awhile then ended up throwing up for an hour even though I hadn't eaten anything. I forced myself to eat a bowl of cheerios after and I felt awful and barely kept it down but then I napped a few hours more and finally started feeling better. My thumb has been getting worse too, so yesterday morning I took a naproxen which helped but I can't take it every day for the next two weeks until I can get another shot from the orthopedist.

I heard back from the monster.com resume writing service my husband purchased for me. They said I should have a draft by Monday. I spent a few hours the night before filling out their questionnaire and researching average apartment prices in various locations nearby. Nearby is pretty relative because the major areas I might find work are at least 1 to 3 hours away from my parents house.

I'm starting to feel a bit nauseous again, so I'm going to try to force myself to eat more cheerios then wait for the construction guy who is coming back to finish up the drywall in mom's bedroom. I have some chores I've been slacking on for the last week that I should get to as well.

--Repack a big box of books & magazines into smaller boxes
--Put together the two wood racks outside
--Bury the tv & internet cables outside
--Mow the lawn
--Use the weedwacker
--Make a grocery list for next week
--Do some cleaning

Just hope I don't run into any snakes :/

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Virginia, not mine.

My dad finally gave me an answer about whether or not he'd be willing to let me take over their house in Virginia from the tenant. He said no, because he doesn't want to go back on his word to the tenant and they might want to buy the house when my parents are ready to sell it. I understand his reasons, but I'm still feeling pretty depressed.

Adding to that, I've had no responses to any of my applications. No phone calls or emails but since most of the jobs I applied for are in Virginia I guess that doesn't matter now anyway. My dad said he'd try to find out about getting me a job in Iraq. My husband has offered to pay for a professional service to write my resume and cover letter and even a company that will use those on my behalf to look for jobs. If I have to stay here I will definitely need the help but it still hurts like hell. I know I have to, but I just want to cry.

First step - Jewelry for sale!

I've set up a shop on Etsy.com to sell some of the jewelry I've made. I only added 10 pieces for now but I have another 30 or so for later. The listings cost 20 cents each for 4 months plus 3.5% of the final sale price. I haven't figured out how to adjust the mailing costs but I'll figure it out, for now that's listed at 0.

Here's the link to my shop! Feel free to pass it around.
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6440602

I will also be listing my work on my personal website: www.thesniper.net under the Jewelry section.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Where to live?

I slept a few hours from 6am-9am which is probably good so I can be tired tonight. I feel very grumpy though, about everything.

There's some good news about Mom's eye from her appointment today. The gas bubble has gone and her pressure is good so she can stop taking 1/2 of her eye medicines. Hopefully the news will also help her stop working herself into a frenzy about it. She gets so upset, and I know it hurts but she makes it worse by fighting against taking her medicine, by not eating, by getting so upset and agitated and stressed.

My biggest question for the next few days is "Where to live?". I can't stay with Mom and my brother, there's just no room for me to even unpack my stuff, and I need my own space. Also what happened last night with Mom showed me that I can't really help her either.

I already asked my parents if I could take over their house in Virginia until they decide to sell it. They have a tenant living there, a guy Mom used to work with and his wife. I offered to pay as much as they were going to and I'd have to take Gary's car, but Mom said to ask Dad and he hasn't answered me yet.

Another concern is being too far away to help if Mom gets worse or needs to go to the hospital. So I've also been considering the possibility of getting an apartment somewhere close enough to drive back here if needed. It just gets so confusing trying to think of all the areas in a 4 hour radius from here.

The last concern about where to live is where can I find a job? I don't have much hope of finding somewhere within 2 hours of my parents house. There's just not much around. I've been looking for the last 2 months and I've only applied for 2 jobs. Maybe a bit further away I'd have more luck but I applied for 12+ jobs in Virginia in a week. Job sites need to stop being so difficult to use. Sending you through a million other sites before you can apply and then you end up entering in all your info a dozen times, making 3 or 4 new logins per application. It's daunting and there doesn't seem to be any easy way to search for jobs in multiple areas or states.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Sticks & Stones

At 10pm my brother asked me to watch over mom so he could go relax and rest. He'd watched her since 10am so it was only fair. He'd given her her medicine but she was in pain and saying "help help help". I kept telling her that I knew she was in pain and that it was hard but that she had to try to stay calm or it would hurt more. She kept getting more and more agitated then started reaching for the phone. I asked her what she was trying to do, told her I was there, and she told me that I wanted her to be in pain and that I wouldn't help her. She started calling for my brother and even tried to get up to go get him. I told her that I was doing as much as he would and that I was trying to help. When my brother came upstairs and almost an hour after her medicine she fell right asleep so I sent my brother back down to rest.

I know I shouldn't take it personally but the things she says really pisses me off. I know she's in pain and if there was anything I could do I would. She wanted to go to the hospital again but I knew she'd feel better once the medicine kicked in and she'd just want to leave the hospital as soon as we got there because there's nothing more they can do. She's on all of the medications they can give her.

I don't think I can take this, she won't let me help her, she won't let me help my brother by watching her until she's asleep. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning and my brother wants me to go but I don't think I can if I'm up all night watching her. I need to get out of here as soon as possible for my own mental health.

The Weight of Boxes

After a much needed 8-hour unconsciousness I woke up still feeling achy and weak. My brother had made some lasagna so I had some, even though I wasn't really hungry. My brother had unloaded the jeep for me, all 8 boxes and suitcases of my life. There's still 6 more left in Toronto that will have to be mailed. 14 boxes plus the little bit of stuff I already had here, that's all my life is now and I can't even unpack it. All kinds of metaphors fit nicely here but it hurts too much to find it funny.

Completely unrelated, the new taco bell commercial is pretty funny. They're playing the Pina Colada song and one guy makes a verse that says "Hate getting stuck in this lane" another guy sings "if you hate filling out your time sheets". I do that all the time, make up verses to songs when complaining. Just don't tell the RIAA.

Back to Blog

On my trip back to my parents house from collecting my things in Toronto I had a long time to think about things. I got to the questions, "why don't I blog anymore?" and "do I even want to?" The answers are that I've been afraid to post, afraid of saying too much, of offending someone, of making things real, or of being boring and whiny. In the last few months, my life has fallen apart. My husband and I are separated, I've moved in to my parents house and I've got to figure out how to put it all back together. I decided on the 10+ hour drive that I do want to blog about what I'm going through. I've always felt that it was important for personal growth to be open and honest and unashamed of how you feel, especially when it's bad. Right or wrong, all feelings deserve to not be ignored.

The short version of things is that my husband needs time and space to figure out some things, to be better and happier. For whatever reason he feels he can't do that with me right now. It's been a long 4 months for both of us. I've been angry, heartbroken, scared, frustrated, lonely, stressed, and confused. I can't begrudge his feelings, I want him to be better and happier too.

Just as there's "no wrong way to eat a reece's" there's no right way to get through this. I have to make my own rules. Certainly it might be easier to let go completely and move on, but that will never match how I feel, so to me, it would feel pretend. I want to be supportive, I want to risk hoping that we'll come out of this together. I'm happy that I love my husband, I'm happy that he wants to better himself, I'm not scared anymore. It still really hurts, there's no way around that, and I will miss all of my Canadian friends and family terribly. All I can do right now is try to pick up the pieces though some will be pretty heavy. I'm very grateful that I have so many awesome friends willing to throw in a shoulder when I need it.

My first goals are to help stabilize my mother's health and to stabilize my finances, aka find a job. After this post I won't be importing my posts to facebook. I realize that the things I discuss here might make some people I love feel torn or uncomfortable. Thankfully there are a million ways to keep in touch on the internets. :)