Fudge Cookies

I've been getting angry lately. Angry and mildly depressed & anxious. Must stop. Let it go.

School is pissing me off so much. I'm ready to employ my favorite quote. The world would be a better place.

Things could always be worse, and I'm glad for what I've got.. Still it's a far cry from where I want to be or even where I was.

Happy Fall

I was tossing and turning all night, up and down.. Not a good sleep at all. Sucks so much, I was trying to go to bed early so I would be well rested to handle my hours of stressing about this interview. Oh well.

Princess and I have a tight schedule today but she doesn't realize it. I spent an hour outside with her this morning waiting for her to go to the bathroom but she was too distracted by the neighbors cat. :/ We'll have to take our walk early, at like 1pm so I can get ready at 2 to leave for my interview by 3. Hopefully traffic on the way there won't be bad but I know it'll be awful coming home. I probably won't get back till 6pm well after her dinner & bathroom time. I'm really hoping she doesn't go in the house, I'd put down a puppy training pad but she chews them up.

Finally got a hold of last weeks So You Think You Can Dance Canada results show. Just in time for tonight's performances. Also grabbed the season premieres of Big Bang Theory, House, Heroes and Castle. So far I've only watch BBT but it's hilarious :) Sheldon's mom is Aunt Jackie from Roseanne with a Texas accent and great quotes :)

Starting to get really anxious while I get ready for my interview. What to wear, what to do with my hair, what to say, what to do, how early to leave, should I feed Princess before or after, will she be ok while I'm gone a few hours... I must have changed my shirt 5 times before I finally changed my pants instead. I don't have any dress shoes, they're still in Toronto in the boxes there. :( Oh god.. It's almost time to leave.

It didn't go well. She didn't like that I haven't worked in 7 years, she didn't like that I didn't have experience with those reports and she didn't like my shoes. She gave me a lecture on etiquette for interviews and what's expected in the job market today. The only thing the lady said she liked was my personality and smile. I don't get it, it's an IT company, I was more dressed up than most of the employees, I know I shouldn't have worn sneakers but it's all I have right now. She said to brush up on my skills, get certifications, get better clothes and come back next year.

Princess was not good.. she ate everything that was on the counters.. including my car title and insurance papers, a whole box of dog biscuits, a jar of peanut butter and my bill receipts. Now she's howling, I assume from a massive tummy ache. So I can also look forward to cleaning up doggy vomit and diarrhea for the next few days.

I'm really disheartened right now, I just wanna drown in ice cream and cookies but I have neither and really shouldn't with the diet & budget anyway. I'm just gonna watch some shows, try to sleep and forget today.

Just watched Castle's premiere from yesterday. Such a good episode, he's so cool :) House premiere was really awesome.

Slow Sunday

Last night: N came online at 11:30pm and said he had time to watch episode 19 of Haruhi which I've been dying to watch for the last month! That was super awesome, the episode itself was a bit of a let down, the end of a 8 episode groundhog day series, but I'm so glad it's over and we can get back to the real story :)

Went to bed sometime around 2am, woke up at 6am when R called, then back to sleep at 7am till 8am. It's Sunday though so I'm thinking I'll go get the paper and the light bulbs I need then call it a day and nap.

Lunch was the same as yesterday, 260 calories for Ham, Pepperoni, Cheese, Lettuce & Mustard Sandwich.

In order to be happy, you need 3 things: Something to Do, Something to Love, and Something to Hope For.

Took Princess for her walk, a group of little girls ooooh'd and ahhhh'd at her :) She loved it!

Just heard that my nephew, D, just got back from the hospital. They think he either has common pneumonia or swine flu. The doctor's didn't know which. Right now he's in quarantine in his room and has to wear a mask. If ever there was a time to send him lots of books & video games it would be now :/ I don't know if his PSP ever got working again. Last I heard they thought the battery needed to be replaced but didn't hear if that worked. Poor kid :( He's going to miss so much school and fall behind, and be bored.

Dinner is a new option. Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers Grilled Whiskey Steak with Roasted Potatoes and Vegetables. 250 calories. The size of the bowl is very deceiving, it's less than half full. The sauce is a nice and light tangy bbq, the meat over steamed a bit, I would have rather used my own meat, but the vegetables came out well. Corn, Green Beans, Red Potatoes, Carrots, Onions & Tomatoes. Not a bad option when I'm craving something heartier.

Watched Episode 5x02 of Supernatural. Excellent episode, great twist. <3 <3 Dean

Spent a little time trying to get a good picture of the necklace I made my Grandma for my mom. It's a long necklace so laying it down just didn't give it's length. So I hung it on the doorknob, moved my desk lamp to shine on it and laid down on the floor to get a good angle. Princess was amused by my antics. I got a pic of her from the floor after she got bored of trying to figure out what I was doing. :) Now my brother has commissioned a necklace and earring set for his former teacher. If only my sales would start up on Etsy :) I'd feel a lot better than just having family purchasing.

Gonna watch another episode or two of Blood+ and try to sleep. I don't know when I'll hear from work so I'll have to be ready.

Iron Tummies

Both Princess and I were sick today. We both threw up this morning, but I was the only one who had to clean up :p Damn her for not having thumbs, she can have mine. Hopefully she'll be all better tomorrow, I dunno if I will, I'm still quite nauseous and dizzy. I did try to go out and play with Princess, because she's still a puppy with a ton of energy, but even then she was just going through the motions. She ran after the ball but when she got to it, she just kinda of stood there and looked around or wandered off.

I haven't heard back from Michaels about when I can start working. I'm getting a little low in funds and more bills are due soon. The hours I'll get won't cover the bills at all but it'll slow the hemorrhage. I keep looking for more options, but I haven't found any in awhile.

My thumb has been triggering a lot lately and hurting too. I tried to pick up my plastic case of beads and I almost dropped it because my thumb couldn't support the weight. It happens randomly so it caught me off guard too, that and it hurts when it happens. I have my Orthopedic appointment next week and with my luck, like the last time I went to the Orthopedic in NH, it won't be triggering or hurting on that one day. :/ Maybe I'll mow the lawn the day before, just to make sure it'll be at it's worst. I've got to mow anyway but it's been rainy for the last few days.

I just finished catching up on Heroes today. I really liked the storyline for Season 3. Up and Down, Resolved then Twisted.. But now I don't have any more tv to catch up on except Ugly Betty and I can't find episodes 1-10 anywhere. So I'm tv'less at the moment, more shows start up soon, but I've been catching up on entire seasons per day so I doubt it'll be hard to keep up. I knew I'd be out of tv so I tried downloading some new sims to play with, but it kept failing and crashing the launcher/download utility, then the game itself was running so slow that I ended up quitting twice without saving my progress. I keep looking for a MMORPG to play on my Mac so I have something to do and can actually talk to people. I do have Guild Wars still, and that's free to play, but the people I've run into there have all been annoying kids. I tried dragging my friends, AR & F, into the game too but AR had her computer stolen and F never has time.

The people I talk to the most in the last few months have been my dad and my friend, R. Neither of them are people that I can call up and chat with but they're both good about calling and chatting with me on a regular basis. Still I need to find people that I can chat with when *I* need to kill the silence, or stop my brain from over thinking or just to tell about things that happen as they happen instead of having to wait until my scheduled chat sessions. Finding someone that I could actually hang out with, go to a movie with, would just be +++

I'm dying to do some fall activities. Everyone knows that fall is my favorite time of the year. I love things like hayrides, and fall markets, and preparing for Halloween. I may actually get to hand out candy this year! I haven't been able to do that in 7 years. I doubt that I'll be dug out of my debt crater by then, even if I were to get a full time, well-paying job tomorrow, so I won't be able to decorate the house or anything.

Still trying to figure out what to do about my mom's constant threat to kick me out of the house. She hasn't mentioned it again since the day she said it, but it'll keep happening anytime I don't do exactly what she says. I've lived under threat of homelessness for the last 9 years. First when I lived in my parents house in NY, then in Canada. The main reason I never felt at "home" in Toronto, even though I loved being there, was because at any time, the government or my husband could want me out and I'd have to go. Now I'm in my parents house in VA and the same threat applies. I'm just tired of living that way. I want stability and assurance that the only reason I'd ever have to leave is because I wanted to go. I just don't know what I can do about it in my current situation but I'm thinking.

Inevitability

Long story, but the result is that my mom wants me out of the house because I hung up the phone on her, not because of her, but because of what my brother was yelling for her to tell me. Given her track record she'll likely change her mind in a day or two if she hasn't already but she hasn't said anything else since. I can't take her holding homelessness over me, even though I knew it would happen and will happen repeatedly. Just trying to figure out what to do.

Fifth Night

I didn't get to sleep till 6am this morning and woke at 11am. Though I felt it was a better sleep than I've had yet. I'm still getting so many spam phone calls, it's like all the concentrated efforts of the industry are focused on my new phone number. I've already applied for the Do Not Call list, but it hasn't seemed to work yet.

Then I got a phone call from the Orthopedic office I went to in NH for my trigger thumb. They'd sent me a bill and it said that I owed another $50 on top of the $50 I paid for my first visit when I received a cortizone shot. It also said that I owed another $68 on top of the $15 I was charged for the second visit which was a 5 minute check up in which the doctor only said I should either live with the pain or get the surgery.

The woman explained that the cost of the shot I received was $100 and that I was only charged $50 because when I was being released they didn't know I had been given the shot. I told her that they had my chart, they knew I had no insurance and that the doctor told them I'd been given a shot. I heard him. She said she doesn't know what happened, I said I wasn't lying.

Then the lady said that for the second visit the doctor told them to only charge me $15 because he felt sorry for me and it was a quick visit. So they would reverse the $68. I said it was a bit like buying a pack of gum at the store for $1 and getting home to find you had to pay another $1. I asked her why I wasn't told the costs while I was there. She just said that they were being nice because I didn't have insurance and that if I wanted she could write up the full costs for the 2 visits and send me the full bill. I got so mad, I asked her if she thought it was right? That I get charged 2 times the amount I paid, 2 months after my first visit? How can I plan for costs that I'm never told to expect? She wouldn't answer, just kept saying how much of a favor they were doing for me.

As far as I could get with her was the reversal of the $68 for the second visit and told her to send me my records and a corrected bill for the $50. As soon as I hung up I burst out crying. I don't even know why. I was hysterical. I wasn't sad, I was angry and I shouldn't have been bawling my eyes out. I called my husband and once I could get the story out, he agreed that it was completely moronic and insane for them to do that. Still don't know why I couldn't stop crying, he thought it might be low blood pressure or sugars from dieting, I think it might have more to do with nicotine withdrawal, it could be both, it could be the depression.. who knows, but it's over.

My first two bills, Comcast & Car Insurance, are both due in 2 weeks. A total of $372.35 but the Car Insurance will be covered until January, and the Comcast was high for the installation fees. Still with no income yet in sight, I'm very protective of my stash.

I got caught up on True Blood yesterday. Season 2. Very good I must say, and damn Eric grew on me. I liked him in the books but I wasn't too fond of him in Season 1 of the show.

Fourth Night

Warning, this message may make some uncomfortable. I think the things I'm going through, everyone has been through at some point but it may be to much info for some.

The fear of an empty house is subsiding but I'm still not sleeping well. I had some crazy dreams last night and the night before. Still I double check all the doors a hundred times, pull the shades closed.

I've also not managed to get out job hunting yet either. I've done quite a lot online, and most big retail stores prefer you do it online and take their hour long questionnaires anyway. I'm keeping a list of ones I can think of that don't have online application processes. So far 2 corporations don't accept online apps for anything below store managers, and 2 others don't accept online applications unless you use windows & IE. Strange...

The cravings are getting better, but the loneliness is not. Sometimes it's overwhelming and I start to think irrationally. "Nobody Cares" or "Everyone's Happy, why can't I be?" Late at night, it's hard to break out of that pattern of thinking. During the day I know what it is, depression. I think I have every reason to be depressed, and I'm not ashamed. I'd be more ashamed if I was trying to hide it. Still it does chase people away typically, so it's really good at spiraling out of control. I just have to be careful, pay attention and try to find a way to break it.

Lastly, am caught up on Castle now. A new show starring Nathan Fillion who is just awesome in the role. I never saw any of the other shows he's been in since Firefly but this one is good. The mother and daughter are also well cast and written characters but I'm not sure about anyone else really. They seem overshadowed by those 3.

Second Night

BIG HUGE *HUGS* and CONGRATULATIONS to my sister & brother-in-law on their new baby. It's a girl! Happy Birthday little girl! I shall call this the year of the X chromosome :) 4 total this year so far and there's one more baby on the way! Though I don't think that baby is technically due this year. I still feel it will also be a girl :)

I've been sleeping like crap.. It's too quiet here. Even if I leave on music, it's not the same. I wanted to wake up early and get some errands done then go job hunting but I woke up late. Still I got the DMV done, 2 hours and $80 to get my license, car registration & title changed. I have to wait 2 weeks for the real copies of each but I got the new plates right away. I went home and tried to put the new plates on. The front one was easy and I got one of the screws off on the back but could not get the second no matter what I tried. I'd just taken the plates off in March to put on the NH ones and had no trouble, but somehow it was stuck. So I decided to take it in for the inspection today rather than tomorrow and get the guy to do it for me. He obliged me and everything for the car is done until next month when I have to renew the registration, but I can do that online. I had a coupon book for a free inspection but only $5 off on the emissions so I had to pay $25. Still it's done.

Then I drove to my new bank with my temporary drivers license and some bills to get my address changed with them. Also ordered my first set of checks. Thankfully all of that was free. I'm really reluctant to start digging into my bank account on my third day alone here.

I didn't get out to throw around my resume. By the time I was done with the bank it was 4pm. Rush hour around here so I decided to do it tomorrow as I had also not eaten at all.

Saturday night I got caught up on one of my favorite shows, Bones. There was quite a few episodes but I was bored and lonely anyway. I didn't really take to Bones right away, I didn't take to David Boreanaz as an FBI agent. Eventually though I grew to like the relationship between him and Emily Deschanel and the rest of the cast.

Sunday night I got caught up on The Mentalist. Another favorite show. Simon Baker is very good, though I still am not quite sure about Robin Tunney. She seems quite out of place for me but the character is good. <3 <3 Cho (Tim Kang) especially in the season finale when he's refusing the offer of the mailbox lady's niece.

Tonight I'm catching up on Lie To Me. Originally it bothered me that the reactions were over-pronounced in the acting. It's gotten better in the later episodes and I adore how they compare it to real world photos. I've always been fascinated by facial & body language reading.

Trying to stay sane.. will update any changes.

First Night

I'm in the new place, mostly settled. I still have some boxes that I haven't really unpacked yet, just sort of glanced through. Things like books, movies, music and most of my collectibles will have to wait until I have more storage & shelves. I've got most of my jewelry gear out though.

Still trying to get used to the quiet. I wanted to get to sleep at midnight last night, my first night here alone, and I couldn't. I ended up catching up on last season of Bones and sorting a bit more of my stuff.

Tomorrow I'll be heading to the DMV to change over my license, car registration & title. Then hopefully going job hunting at the shopping centers down the road. *cross my fingers* I'm hoping for something full time but often full time retail turns out to be 39.5 hours or something so they don't have to pay full benefits. Maybe I'll get a weekend part-time job too, I don't have anything else to do and being home is depressing.

Stuff

It's very hard for me to accept financial help from others. This likely stems from how I grew up with money being a weapon of control & manipulation. Having nothing for the last 2 months has made me really face the issue since I have to not only accept the help, but ask for it as well. It's not any easier though and I find myself rebelling for no good reason against things that would make my life easier but would make me feel worse for taking.

In general I think it's good that I have issue with it, it will drive me to support myself as soon as I can. Right now, it's a constant battle between feeling greedy, burdensome, undeserving and weak and having the things I need.

32 Hours

32 hours to go before we make the trek to Virginia. Tomorrow will be a crazy day of getting the trailer, finishing up last minute tasks & phone calls, and double checking that everything is packed and loaded. I've been crunching numbers and it looks like if I can find a decent job ($12+ per hour/40 hours a week) I should be ok.

I also plan to get more serious about selling my jewelry. I've had no bites so far at all. I have yet to decide if I'll continue through etsy.com which has a $0.20 listing fee and 3.5% sales fee, or if I'll switch to artfire.com which offers a basic account for free, no listing or sales fees. You can pay $12 per month to get a premium account You can see the difference here: I don't think it's wise to list the same jewelry on different sites though so I'll have to choose.

I'll miss the gorgeous scenery and lack of traffic here in NH but I need income options. Never got a chance to go check out the walking trails near here or the waterfall, or take photos of the river.

Getting Ahead of Myself

I got to talk to my friend, AR, today and I mentioned that I might get to stay in my parents VA house after all and she said she'd be willing to relocate. We talked awhile about what that would mean and how we'd go about it and she seemed pretty serious about it. So I talked to my mom and she said she'd thought about it as well and was tired of the tenant anyway. He's been hard to get a hold of, cost almost $200 to get the air conditioner repaired because he lied about cleaning the filter every month and hasn't responded to mom's email about requiring that he get training on how to maintain the air conditioner properly because he refused to let my brother show him how when they gave him the keys to the house.

I talked to my dad and made sure it was ok with him, it was. So now I need to write up an official "get out of the house" letter and mail it to the tenant and should be able to move in by August 10th or so.

Mom also said I could take the twin bed I've been sleeping on, the air mattress and maybe the extra microwave & tv but we'll work that stuff out later.

I had that job search company sending me job information that they applied to today, so I sent them an email and asked them to change their location focus to Virginia. Hopefully everything works out :)

At least the "Where to live?" question is now answered :) Now on to making it happen and getting work.

I wish I could call AR and talk it over some more but she's had her internet and phone cut off for the last month :( She said she'd try to get somewhere to call me soon.

One more down

Yesterday was pretty much the worst possible combination of events. Lack of sleep, getting bitched at by mom and my brother, hot and muggy, lots of chores to do. I was feeling pretty low. I'm still trying to find an option to get out of here.

Today I called my grandma and asked if I could come stay with her for awhile. She said she'd have to think about it but then called me back and said that she talked about it with Grandpa and my uncle and didn't think it was a good idea. That really sucks, I'll be stuck here awhile until I can get a car find somewhere else and leave. Or move somewhere that has decent public transit.

How to find that place? I don't really care where I live, except I don't want to go back to Georgia and I really like the fall season so I would be sad to live somewhere that didn't have one. Those are just nice options but anywhere but here is good enough for now. So how else to narrow down the search? Before I hand off my resume to the job finders I'll need to have some locations in mind. Hopefully ones I could get to for job interviews before I commit to moving.

Mom and my brother will be gone most of today at a friend's bbq. It's been absolutely wonderful here today. Not too hot, slightly rainy, quiet and less stressful. I got a lot of the cleaning I wanted to do done. Spent a good amount of time brushing Woofie, got a full bag of hair off him. So there should be less hair to spread around the house and he'll be more comfortable in the heat. I've also done my laundry, and plan to build the pantry cabinet mom ordered.

I called my other brother to get some advice but he was stepping out to take my niece to a skating party and said he'd be home in a few hours. I'm hoping that when he and his family get stationed somewhere else in September that if it's in the US and not overseas then I could find a place near them so I'm not totally alone. Before then I'd have to find and job and save up for a car because the areas around bases aren't usually good for transit. That all depends on where I can find a job though. It all feels so circular..

Virginia, not mine.

My dad finally gave me an answer about whether or not he'd be willing to let me take over their house in Virginia from the tenant. He said no, because he doesn't want to go back on his word to the tenant and they might want to buy the house when my parents are ready to sell it. I understand his reasons, but I'm still feeling pretty depressed.

Adding to that, I've had no responses to any of my applications. No phone calls or emails but since most of the jobs I applied for are in Virginia I guess that doesn't matter now anyway. My dad said he'd try to find out about getting me a job in Iraq. My husband has offered to pay for a professional service to write my resume and cover letter and even a company that will use those on my behalf to look for jobs. If I have to stay here I will definitely need the help but it still hurts like hell. I know I have to, but I just want to cry.

First step - Jewelry for sale!

I've set up a shop on Etsy.com to sell some of the jewelry I've made. I only added 10 pieces for now but I have another 30 or so for later. The listings cost 20 cents each for 4 months plus 3.5% of the final sale price. I haven't figured out how to adjust the mailing costs but I'll figure it out, for now that's listed at 0.

Here's the link to my shop! Feel free to pass it around.
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6440602

I will also be listing my work on my personal website: www.thesniper.net under the Jewelry section.

Where to live?

I slept a few hours from 6am-9am which is probably good so I can be tired tonight. I feel very grumpy though, about everything.

There's some good news about Mom's eye from her appointment today. The gas bubble has gone and her pressure is good so she can stop taking 1/2 of her eye medicines. Hopefully the news will also help her stop working herself into a frenzy about it. She gets so upset, and I know it hurts but she makes it worse by fighting against taking her medicine, by not eating, by getting so upset and agitated and stressed.

My biggest question for the next few days is "Where to live?". I can't stay with Mom and my brother, there's just no room for me to even unpack my stuff, and I need my own space. Also what happened last night with Mom showed me that I can't really help her either.

I already asked my parents if I could take over their house in Virginia until they decide to sell it. They have a tenant living there, a guy Mom used to work with and his wife. I offered to pay as much as they were going to and I'd have to take Gary's car, but Mom said to ask Dad and he hasn't answered me yet.

Another concern is being too far away to help if Mom gets worse or needs to go to the hospital. So I've also been considering the possibility of getting an apartment somewhere close enough to drive back here if needed. It just gets so confusing trying to think of all the areas in a 4 hour radius from here.

The last concern about where to live is where can I find a job? I don't have much hope of finding somewhere within 2 hours of my parents house. There's just not much around. I've been looking for the last 2 months and I've only applied for 2 jobs. Maybe a bit further away I'd have more luck but I applied for 12+ jobs in Virginia in a week. Job sites need to stop being so difficult to use. Sending you through a million other sites before you can apply and then you end up entering in all your info a dozen times, making 3 or 4 new logins per application. It's daunting and there doesn't seem to be any easy way to search for jobs in multiple areas or states.

Back to Blog

On my trip back to my parents house from collecting my things in Toronto I had a long time to think about things. I got to the questions, "why don't I blog anymore?" and "do I even want to?" The answers are that I've been afraid to post, afraid of saying too much, of offending someone, of making things real, or of being boring and whiny. In the last few months, my life has fallen apart. My husband and I are separated, I've moved in to my parents house and I've got to figure out how to put it all back together. I decided on the 10+ hour drive that I do want to blog about what I'm going through. I've always felt that it was important for personal growth to be open and honest and unashamed of how you feel, especially when it's bad. Right or wrong, all feelings deserve to not be ignored.

The short version of things is that my husband needs time and space to figure out some things, to be better and happier. For whatever reason he feels he can't do that with me right now. It's been a long 4 months for both of us. I've been angry, heartbroken, scared, frustrated, lonely, stressed, and confused. I can't begrudge his feelings, I want him to be better and happier too.

Just as there's "no wrong way to eat a reece's" there's no right way to get through this. I have to make my own rules. Certainly it might be easier to let go completely and move on, but that will never match how I feel, so to me, it would feel pretend. I want to be supportive, I want to risk hoping that we'll come out of this together. I'm happy that I love my husband, I'm happy that he wants to better himself, I'm not scared anymore. It still really hurts, there's no way around that, and I will miss all of my Canadian friends and family terribly. All I can do right now is try to pick up the pieces though some will be pretty heavy. I'm very grateful that I have so many awesome friends willing to throw in a shoulder when I need it.

My first goals are to help stabilize my mother's health and to stabilize my finances, aka find a job. After this post I won't be importing my posts to facebook. I realize that the things I discuss here might make some people I love feel torn or uncomfortable. Thankfully there are a million ways to keep in touch on the internets. :)