I'm not sure how mom was last night, I passed out around midnight and was dead to the world until 5am, then went back to sleep till 10am. This morning she was still complaining of stomach pain but she hadn't thrown up since she started the zantac so that's great. She decided she wanted to go out for lunch and she felt up to it so we went to Friendly's. She managed to eat a good amount of her clam basket and had most of an ice cream sundae as well.
She started to get tired by the end of the meal but still wanted to go pick out her swing seat that the family got her for her birthday. We stopped at a store that sells all types of handmade wood furniture and she picked out a nice birch swing, which happened to be their only one in stock at the time, and also picked up 2 adirondack chairs with foot rests for the porch, 1 end table, a media cabinet for the living room, which she wanted stained, and 2 special order adirondack chair cushions. They had lots of nice stuff, it made me want to pick up a bench for the porch in Virginia. Mom said she might be willing to provide that.
Mom took a little nap once we got home and it's so hot and humid here today that we all were a bit wiped out. I ended up having a really great conversation with my husband too, really cheered me up but also gave me a lot to think about.
While I was making dinner mom tried to scan a piece of mail that came for my brother D, she had trouble with it and got really upset and beating herself up for being stupid and kept saying she doesn't have a brain anymore, what good is she. I tried to do it and it seems like the software wasn't installed or something is wrong with it so I tried telling her that we'd need to look at the manual and it doesn't mean she's stupid. This printer has been a bit difficult with other things. She wouldn't hear it, she kept crying and blaming herself. *sigh*
I hope she'll be able to sleep tonight and be stronger in tomorrow. We've got the garage contractor coming over to discuss everything and hopefully start planning out a date to start this thing finally. The whole thing won't be done this year, we're hoping to just get the ground dug out, leveled and cleared, then get the concrete laid for the floor. Then we can get the generator installed, get the new 500 gallon propane tank placed, get the electrician to hook those up to the house and get a car-turn-around laid on one side of the foundation with the same ledge pack we got for the driveway.
After that, if she's still up for it, she wants to go to lunch and maybe go to Staples to get a new mouse for her laptop. G and I also have to make a trip to the dump and clean the house up really well because we've been having ants lately. I also still have a lot of bigger chores to get to before I leave here but it keeps raining or we end up dealing with mom or out all day.
Showing posts with label Separation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Separation. Show all posts
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wood
I'm not sure how mom was last night, I passed out around midnight and was dead to the world until 5am, then went back to sleep till 10am. This morning she was still complaining of stomach pain but she hadn't thrown up since she started the zantac so that's great. She decided she wanted to go out for lunch and she felt up to it so we went to Friendly's. She managed to eat a good amount of her clam basket and had most of an ice cream sundae as well.
She started to get tired by the end of the meal but still wanted to go pick out her swing seat that the family got her for her birthday. We stopped at a store that sells all types of handmade wood furniture and she picked out a nice birch swing, which happened to be their only one in stock at the time, and also picked up 2 adirondack chairs with foot rests for the porch, 1 end table, a media cabinet for the living room, which she wanted stained, and 2 special order adirondack chair cushions. They had lots of nice stuff, it made me want to pick up a bench for the porch in Virginia. Mom said she might be willing to provide that.
Mom took a little nap once we got home and it's so hot and humid here today that we all were a bit wiped out. I ended up having a really great conversation with my husband too, really cheered me up but also gave me a lot to think about.
While I was making dinner mom tried to scan a piece of mail that came for my brother D, she had trouble with it and got really upset and beating herself up for being stupid and kept saying she doesn't have a brain anymore, what good is she. I tried to do it and it seems like the software wasn't installed or something is wrong with it so I tried telling her that we'd need to look at the manual and it doesn't mean she's stupid. This printer has been a bit difficult with other things. She wouldn't hear it, she kept crying and blaming herself. *sigh*
I hope she'll be able to sleep tonight and be stronger in tomorrow. We've got the garage contractor coming over to discuss everything and hopefully start planning out a date to start this thing finally. The whole thing won't be done this year, we're hoping to just get the ground dug out, leveled and cleared, then get the concrete laid for the floor. Then we can get the generator installed, get the new 500 gallon propane tank placed, get the electrician to hook those up to the house and get a car-turn-around laid on one side of the foundation with the same ledge pack we got for the driveway.
After that, if she's still up for it, she wants to go to lunch and maybe go to Staples to get a new mouse for her laptop. G and I also have to make a trip to the dump and clean the house up really well because we've been having ants lately. I also still have a lot of bigger chores to get to before I leave here but it keeps raining or we end up dealing with mom or out all day.
She started to get tired by the end of the meal but still wanted to go pick out her swing seat that the family got her for her birthday. We stopped at a store that sells all types of handmade wood furniture and she picked out a nice birch swing, which happened to be their only one in stock at the time, and also picked up 2 adirondack chairs with foot rests for the porch, 1 end table, a media cabinet for the living room, which she wanted stained, and 2 special order adirondack chair cushions. They had lots of nice stuff, it made me want to pick up a bench for the porch in Virginia. Mom said she might be willing to provide that.
Mom took a little nap once we got home and it's so hot and humid here today that we all were a bit wiped out. I ended up having a really great conversation with my husband too, really cheered me up but also gave me a lot to think about.
While I was making dinner mom tried to scan a piece of mail that came for my brother D, she had trouble with it and got really upset and beating herself up for being stupid and kept saying she doesn't have a brain anymore, what good is she. I tried to do it and it seems like the software wasn't installed or something is wrong with it so I tried telling her that we'd need to look at the manual and it doesn't mean she's stupid. This printer has been a bit difficult with other things. She wouldn't hear it, she kept crying and blaming herself. *sigh*
I hope she'll be able to sleep tonight and be stronger in tomorrow. We've got the garage contractor coming over to discuss everything and hopefully start planning out a date to start this thing finally. The whole thing won't be done this year, we're hoping to just get the ground dug out, leveled and cleared, then get the concrete laid for the floor. Then we can get the generator installed, get the new 500 gallon propane tank placed, get the electrician to hook those up to the house and get a car-turn-around laid on one side of the foundation with the same ledge pack we got for the driveway.
After that, if she's still up for it, she wants to go to lunch and maybe go to Staples to get a new mouse for her laptop. G and I also have to make a trip to the dump and clean the house up really well because we've been having ants lately. I also still have a lot of bigger chores to get to before I leave here but it keeps raining or we end up dealing with mom or out all day.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Brain Dead
Last night was really rough with mom. She was up every hour or so with really bad stomach acids. She threw up at least twice. I finally got to sleep at 5:30am and woke up at 7am to wait for the contractor but he called at 7:56am and said he was going to pick up the roof shingles first then come over. So I went back to sleep until just before 9am.
The contractors were really fast, then he told me that one part of the roof that has a skylight was covered in moss and mold. He gave me an estimate to fix it. He also said he'd be coming by on Saturday with the excavator guy so he can make an estimate for digging out the hill for the garage.
After he left I spent the next 4 hours calling, the dog kennel, a second generator company, 2 of mom's 401k companies, the contractor again, the home health aide place, then 3 other places they referred me to, my sister-in-law, and in between calls checking on mom, helping her to the bathroom or downstairs, getting her to drink and eat and checking if her zantac was helping any, talking to my dad on IM to keep him updated on mom and explaining the results of each call to both mom and G.
Mom seems to be doing a bit better today, she's got a bit of strength back and the zantac seems to be working so far. She ate a few times, so that's great. She also walked herself up the stairs and to the bathroom a few times.
I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted, I want to cry. I know things will get better but that doesn't mean I need to ignore how I feel.
I talked to mom and G today about Virginia. They've told me that there is a bus but they don't know much about it.. ++ They also said that there are several after school programs and classes and daycares that will pick the kid up from school. ++ A friend gave me some links for temporary jobs from home that AR could do until we get everything set up for her daughter. ++
My brain needs a break and my thumb really hurts.
The contractors were really fast, then he told me that one part of the roof that has a skylight was covered in moss and mold. He gave me an estimate to fix it. He also said he'd be coming by on Saturday with the excavator guy so he can make an estimate for digging out the hill for the garage.
After he left I spent the next 4 hours calling, the dog kennel, a second generator company, 2 of mom's 401k companies, the contractor again, the home health aide place, then 3 other places they referred me to, my sister-in-law, and in between calls checking on mom, helping her to the bathroom or downstairs, getting her to drink and eat and checking if her zantac was helping any, talking to my dad on IM to keep him updated on mom and explaining the results of each call to both mom and G.
Mom seems to be doing a bit better today, she's got a bit of strength back and the zantac seems to be working so far. She ate a few times, so that's great. She also walked herself up the stairs and to the bathroom a few times.
I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted, I want to cry. I know things will get better but that doesn't mean I need to ignore how I feel.
I talked to mom and G today about Virginia. They've told me that there is a bus but they don't know much about it.. ++ They also said that there are several after school programs and classes and daycares that will pick the kid up from school. ++ A friend gave me some links for temporary jobs from home that AR could do until we get everything set up for her daughter. ++
My brain needs a break and my thumb really hurts.
Monday, July 13, 2009
One Day At a Time
First of all a big giant HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout out to my homie, N. :) Hope you're having a great day!!
Mom has been more alert today, which is good, but G and I have still had to carry her a few times. My thumb is really owwie today as a result. Hoping she continues to get better and even gets back to being able to walk by herself.
I've done most of my phone calls today. Still a few more to go, and waiting for calls to be returned. I'm trying to set up doctor's appointments for mom, also setting up an interview with a home health aide, and getting her retirement money transferred.
I also got to speak to my friend, AR, for a few minutes today and she says she's still willing to come move in with me in Virginia. She said she was going to tell her boyfriend over the weekend that she was leaving but he was acting "stupid" so she didn't. I told her it might be best to wait to tell him until I come help her move. I couldn't imagine staying with him for several weeks of ranting and fighting. I don't really think he deserves the courtesy of notice either. She and I still have a lot to talk about and work out and I still can't call her.
I've been reviewing the jobs that the job company applied to on my behalf today. I requested that they change my search location to Virginia because I'm moving there by the end of the month. Out of the 28 they applied for, only 9 were unsatisfactory. Mostly due to requiring a security clearance which I don't have. I'm just hoping that the New Hampshire phone number I've got listed on my resume doesn't throw people off. Plus I'll likely be changing that number once I've moved to Virginia, hopefully I will be able to afford it. I will have to request that G give out my new number if I get any calls after I move.
I really miss my husband. I love him so much and being apart this long is horrible. I don't know if he's any closer to figuring things out, I just keep telling myself to be patient, be patient.
Mom has been more alert today, which is good, but G and I have still had to carry her a few times. My thumb is really owwie today as a result. Hoping she continues to get better and even gets back to being able to walk by herself.
I've done most of my phone calls today. Still a few more to go, and waiting for calls to be returned. I'm trying to set up doctor's appointments for mom, also setting up an interview with a home health aide, and getting her retirement money transferred.
I also got to speak to my friend, AR, for a few minutes today and she says she's still willing to come move in with me in Virginia. She said she was going to tell her boyfriend over the weekend that she was leaving but he was acting "stupid" so she didn't. I told her it might be best to wait to tell him until I come help her move. I couldn't imagine staying with him for several weeks of ranting and fighting. I don't really think he deserves the courtesy of notice either. She and I still have a lot to talk about and work out and I still can't call her.
I've been reviewing the jobs that the job company applied to on my behalf today. I requested that they change my search location to Virginia because I'm moving there by the end of the month. Out of the 28 they applied for, only 9 were unsatisfactory. Mostly due to requiring a security clearance which I don't have. I'm just hoping that the New Hampshire phone number I've got listed on my resume doesn't throw people off. Plus I'll likely be changing that number once I've moved to Virginia, hopefully I will be able to afford it. I will have to request that G give out my new number if I get any calls after I move.
I really miss my husband. I love him so much and being apart this long is horrible. I don't know if he's any closer to figuring things out, I just keep telling myself to be patient, be patient.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
The Weight of Boxes
After a much needed 8-hour unconsciousness I woke up still feeling achy and weak. My brother had made some lasagna so I had some, even though I wasn't really hungry. My brother had unloaded the jeep for me, all 8 boxes and suitcases of my life. There's still 6 more left in Toronto that will have to be mailed. 14 boxes plus the little bit of stuff I already had here, that's all my life is now and I can't even unpack it. All kinds of metaphors fit nicely here but it hurts too much to find it funny.
Completely unrelated, the new taco bell commercial is pretty funny. They're playing the Pina Colada song and one guy makes a verse that says "Hate getting stuck in this lane" another guy sings "if you hate filling out your time sheets". I do that all the time, make up verses to songs when complaining. Just don't tell the RIAA.
Completely unrelated, the new taco bell commercial is pretty funny. They're playing the Pina Colada song and one guy makes a verse that says "Hate getting stuck in this lane" another guy sings "if you hate filling out your time sheets". I do that all the time, make up verses to songs when complaining. Just don't tell the RIAA.
Back to Blog
On my trip back to my parents house from collecting my things in Toronto I had a long time to think about things. I got to the questions, "why don't I blog anymore?" and "do I even want to?" The answers are that I've been afraid to post, afraid of saying too much, of offending someone, of making things real, or of being boring and whiny. In the last few months, my life has fallen apart. My husband and I are separated, I've moved in to my parents house and I've got to figure out how to put it all back together. I decided on the 10+ hour drive that I do want to blog about what I'm going through. I've always felt that it was important for personal growth to be open and honest and unashamed of how you feel, especially when it's bad. Right or wrong, all feelings deserve to not be ignored.
The short version of things is that my husband needs time and space to figure out some things, to be better and happier. For whatever reason he feels he can't do that with me right now. It's been a long 4 months for both of us. I've been angry, heartbroken, scared, frustrated, lonely, stressed, and confused. I can't begrudge his feelings, I want him to be better and happier too.
Just as there's "no wrong way to eat a reece's" there's no right way to get through this. I have to make my own rules. Certainly it might be easier to let go completely and move on, but that will never match how I feel, so to me, it would feel pretend. I want to be supportive, I want to risk hoping that we'll come out of this together. I'm happy that I love my husband, I'm happy that he wants to better himself, I'm not scared anymore. It still really hurts, there's no way around that, and I will miss all of my Canadian friends and family terribly. All I can do right now is try to pick up the pieces though some will be pretty heavy. I'm very grateful that I have so many awesome friends willing to throw in a shoulder when I need it.
My first goals are to help stabilize my mother's health and to stabilize my finances, aka find a job. After this post I won't be importing my posts to facebook. I realize that the things I discuss here might make some people I love feel torn or uncomfortable. Thankfully there are a million ways to keep in touch on the internets. :)
The short version of things is that my husband needs time and space to figure out some things, to be better and happier. For whatever reason he feels he can't do that with me right now. It's been a long 4 months for both of us. I've been angry, heartbroken, scared, frustrated, lonely, stressed, and confused. I can't begrudge his feelings, I want him to be better and happier too.
Just as there's "no wrong way to eat a reece's" there's no right way to get through this. I have to make my own rules. Certainly it might be easier to let go completely and move on, but that will never match how I feel, so to me, it would feel pretend. I want to be supportive, I want to risk hoping that we'll come out of this together. I'm happy that I love my husband, I'm happy that he wants to better himself, I'm not scared anymore. It still really hurts, there's no way around that, and I will miss all of my Canadian friends and family terribly. All I can do right now is try to pick up the pieces though some will be pretty heavy. I'm very grateful that I have so many awesome friends willing to throw in a shoulder when I need it.
My first goals are to help stabilize my mother's health and to stabilize my finances, aka find a job. After this post I won't be importing my posts to facebook. I realize that the things I discuss here might make some people I love feel torn or uncomfortable. Thankfully there are a million ways to keep in touch on the internets. :)
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