Back to Blog

On my trip back to my parents house from collecting my things in Toronto I had a long time to think about things. I got to the questions, "why don't I blog anymore?" and "do I even want to?" The answers are that I've been afraid to post, afraid of saying too much, of offending someone, of making things real, or of being boring and whiny. In the last few months, my life has fallen apart. My husband and I are separated, I've moved in to my parents house and I've got to figure out how to put it all back together. I decided on the 10+ hour drive that I do want to blog about what I'm going through. I've always felt that it was important for personal growth to be open and honest and unashamed of how you feel, especially when it's bad. Right or wrong, all feelings deserve to not be ignored.

The short version of things is that my husband needs time and space to figure out some things, to be better and happier. For whatever reason he feels he can't do that with me right now. It's been a long 4 months for both of us. I've been angry, heartbroken, scared, frustrated, lonely, stressed, and confused. I can't begrudge his feelings, I want him to be better and happier too.

Just as there's "no wrong way to eat a reece's" there's no right way to get through this. I have to make my own rules. Certainly it might be easier to let go completely and move on, but that will never match how I feel, so to me, it would feel pretend. I want to be supportive, I want to risk hoping that we'll come out of this together. I'm happy that I love my husband, I'm happy that he wants to better himself, I'm not scared anymore. It still really hurts, there's no way around that, and I will miss all of my Canadian friends and family terribly. All I can do right now is try to pick up the pieces though some will be pretty heavy. I'm very grateful that I have so many awesome friends willing to throw in a shoulder when I need it.

My first goals are to help stabilize my mother's health and to stabilize my finances, aka find a job. After this post I won't be importing my posts to facebook. I realize that the things I discuss here might make some people I love feel torn or uncomfortable. Thankfully there are a million ways to keep in touch on the internets. :)